We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
