You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
