Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
