There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
