drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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