I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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