Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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