Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
