he thought i was a dude.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
