I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
