Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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