i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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