two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
