loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
