i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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