Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
