apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Randomize
