Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
