the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
