I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
