The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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