If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
