I got chris browned last night
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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