I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
