Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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