I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Randomize
