I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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