So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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