He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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