He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Less talking, more tequila
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
