did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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