you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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