That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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