I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize