saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
