Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize