ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
