So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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