I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
