i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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