i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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