Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i want to swaddle you in tequila
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Dear god my vagina.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
