My sheets look like a crime scene.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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