A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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