sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
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