I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I wish i was in the wii world.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
