i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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