can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
