I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
