I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
