at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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