omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
