Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
