I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
