you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
