wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
