i was born a porn star she said
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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