my phone needs a breathalizer
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
