tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
