i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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