I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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